It seems that a lot of people are getting very tired of the debate about “toxic masculinity.” That’s understandable, because both sides are wrong, and the whole discussion is counterproductive.
One camp argues that masculinity is inherently toxic, because any positive qualities associated with men (toughness, courage, self-sacrifice, etc.) apply equally to women, while the only uniquely male traits are the testosterone-fueled propensity for physical violence and sexual aggression.
The opposing side argues that masculinity is an asset not a liability, because not only are traits like toughness and courage vanishingly rare in the female population, but the male capacity for violence is what protects women and children from physical danger, and that without the male libido driving courtship, most women would remain single and childless.
In reality, both sides miss the point: the issue is not masculinity (or femininity, for that matter). The real problem is immaturity. Everything about the so-called toxic masculinity debate makes more sense when you look at it this way.
The Difference Between Crying and Tantrums
Babies are totally focused on their own needs, and cry until someone meets those needs. They do this, because if they don’t, they will die. However, as babies grow into toddlers, they acquire the ability to communicate through signs and words, and – if given adequate freedom – learn to meet some needs (e.g., getting a snack or a drink of water) independently. At this point, crying may be a natural response to pain, but it is no longer an appropriate way to say “I want this.”
Instinctively, we know that young children have this capacity. That’s why we have little patience for children’s temper tantrums, or the parents who indulge them. If you give screaming toddlers what they want, you are reinforcing antisocial behavior. This dissuades them from learning important skills, such as asking nicely and accepting the word “no.” This isn’t just about superficially good manners; it’s about exercising consideration, respect for others, self-restraint, and emotional regulation – all important aspects of maturity.
Unfortunately, many toddlers never learn these lessons, which is why many adults lack these skills.
Adolescent Angst
Fast-forward a few years. The toddlers are now moody teenagers with hormone-flooded brains, biologically predisposed to emotional outbursts and impulsive behavior. So what happens? Do parents and other adults indulge this behavior? Or do they insist that experiencing strong emotions does not entitle one to behave in a rude, disrespectful, or abusive way?
This guidance – sympathetic to feelings, but with firm expectations for behavior – does not enforce emotional repression or stifle individuality. On the contrary, it is absolutely vital for healthy psychological development. And, all too often, it is absent.
Unsurprisingly, teenagers who are allowed to act without regard for others grow into adults who do the same thing.
The Immature Adult
Without the simple message, “feeling upset does not give you the right to act like a jerk,” boys and girls grow into men and women who assume, like babies, that their own needs and desires are all that matter. In an infant, self-centeredness is justified. In an adult, it is dangerous.
The selfish, immature man is what people are thinking of when they refer to “toxic masculinity.” But it is not the masculinity that is toxic; it is the attitude of self-centered entitlement.
In women, the same attitude is equally toxic, but it is usually expressed through social aggression rather than physical aggression. While it may be less overtly visible, it is no less destructive.
Spoiled Rotten
We used to have a word for children whose rude, selfish behavior had been indulged: spoiled. This word is perfect, because it conveys the deep-seated nature of the damage, while placing the blame not on the children, but on the adults responsible for their upbringing.
Society, technology, and media all play a role in the arrested development of young men and women, but, ultimately, the buck stops with parents and other caregivers. Thoughtful, respectful adults with integrity and strong character don’t just emerge out of the ether; they are the products of responsible, emotionally-intelligent parenting.
A Better Approach
It is not easy to convince adults who were spoiled as children that their behavior is unacceptable and needs to change. Tying it to something as deep-seated as gender is even worse, as it provokes defensiveness and ensures resistance. Decrying testosterone may make for good clickbait, but it doesn’t help anything.
Indeed, gender-based criticisms of any kind do nothing but stoke bad feelings and divisiveness. Enough is enough. We all have some “toxic” habits left over from childhood. We would all benefit from a bit more empathy and a lot less self-centeredness, regardless of our testosterone and estrogen levels.
So, let’s put an end to the pointless and polarizing toxic masculinity/femininty debate. Instead, let’s focus on addressing our own tendency to behave like spoiled toddlers; in a respectful way, refusing to indulge that behavior in others; and, most importantly, providing the younger generation with the understanding, freedom, and boundaries they need to grow into healthy, mature adults.